A Guide To Spring Training Clubhouse Competition

A Guide To Spring Training Clubhouse Competition

By Stevil, for Each and Every Spring

 

Brandon Barnes on the receiving end of Ichiro's prank following an outfield collision. Photo by a teammate?

Spring has arrived for MLB teams and the on-field competition has commenced. But there's another form of competition that is vital to the success of each individual team and each individual on each individual team: the off-field competition, also known as clubhouse competition. Here's how it works...

First, clubhouse competition is all about forming alliances and unions, betraying them, forming new ones, then betraying them as well, and so on. You should be stepping on everyone and humiliating them as you ascend to the top.

Second, rules don't exist, but you should make everyone else think they do. The ability to mislead is a true art form, and if you don't have that skill, you're in trouble. Bonus points are achieved by messing with someone's head to the point where all sense of direction and loyalty is a blur and they shoot themselves in the foot. Nothing is more rewarding than driving someone to self-elimination. The closest example I can think of is how The Gang behaves in "It's Always Sunny In Philadelphia", especially in seasons 3-5. Lots of good stuff there.

In short: extort, humiliate, and eliminate. Throw everyone under the bus when they're most vulnerable so they don't get back up. Ideally, you want someone else to take the blame when you do so (gotta think two steps ahead at all times). Anonymity is crucial to success. You can bask in glory and reap the rewards after you've slaughtered everyone.

There is a certain sense of comradery among the survivors, which extends to other clubhouses just before the process repeats as you turn on them. This is baseball's form of espionage. Catching on yet? There are no limits. None. Nada. Nil.

That, my friends, is how you build competitive brotherhood on the field. That is how the killer instinct needed for the postseason comes to fruition--and it's a heck of a lot of fun! It starts with things as simple as ping-pong and pool. It applies to everyone, and yes, it is possible to cheat and you absolutely should be cheating.

What I'm sharing with you here is gold. Be sure to pass it on to your children, and your children's children. You'll be doing your part to make them better human beings if they're able to apply these principles to everything in life.