The Baseball Is The Life: The 2027 HVH Seattle Mariners Offseason Plan

 

Travis Sawchik presenting Justin Hollander with a team pass to Driveline following their elimination from a postseason birth, September, 2026.

By Bram Stoker and HVH, 28 September, 2026.

For those unfamiliar with the work of HVH, I bid you welcome. The 2026 Mariners drove a stake through the hearts of fans. Some will rise again without their souls. Others have had the life of their fandom extinguished. To die, to be truly dead as a fan, must be glorious. There are far worse things awaiting fans than death, such as another season like 2026. 

We're spinning a web of information for the unwary fan. The baseball is the life. It's our belief that sacrifices must be made to ensure eternal contention and this must be done through transformations—transformations that focus on arms and...bats.

The superstition of yesterday can become the scientific reality of today. Are the Mariners cursed? Finishing last, or nearly last, in various offensive, defensive, and relief-pitching stats may explain why people believe the notion of a curse, even if they don't explain how. But there is a reason why all things are as they are. 

Regardless, Seattle needs fresh blood. This plan will attempt transfusions. Here's how we would try to go about it...

Trades

1. George Kirby, RHP, Brendan Donovan, INF/OF, and Matt Brash, RHP, to Los Angeles; Mike Sirota, OF, Gavin Stone, RHP, and Jacob Kmatz, RHP, to Seattle.                                                                                                                                                    
2. Lazaro Montes, OF/DH, and José Ferrer, LHP, to Arizona; Brandyn Garcia, LHP, Ryan Waldschmidt, OF, and 2 million in IBP space to Seattle.                                                                                        
3. Bryce Miller, RHP, to Baltimore; Caden Hunter, RHP, Boston Bateman, LHP, and Cooper Criswell, RHP, to Colorado; Kyle Karros, 3B, Cole Carrigg, OF, and 2 million in IBP space to Seattle.                                                                                             
4. Griffin Hugus, RHP, to St. Louis; Sandro Santana, LHP, to Seattle.                                                                                              
5. Carlos Vargas, RHP, to Washington; Yovanny Cruz, RHP, to Seattle.                                              

Free Agents

1. Peter Fairbanks, RHP; 1 year, 2 million +6m in incentives +12m option for 2028.                                                                                                                                                       
2. Michael Conforto, RF; 1 year, 4 million.                                                                                                          
3. Alec Bohm, 3B/1B; 1 year, 8 million +2m in incentives.                                                                                                                               
4. Taylor Clarke, RHP; 2 years, 10 million.                                                                                                                         
5. Randy Arozarena, DH/LF; 3 years, 72 million.                                                                                                                                                 
6. Paul Sewald, RHP; 1 year, 3 million.                                                                                                                                                                  
7. Mauricio Dubón, INF/OF; 2 years, 12 million +2m in incentives.                                                                                               
8. Nick Robertson, RHP; minor-league deal +1m in incentives.                                              
9. Nick Madrigal, INF; minor-league deal.                                                                                                                                                              
10. A.J. Puk, LHP; minor-league deal +3m in incentives +5m option for 2028.                                                                                           
11. Mark Leiter Jr.; minor-league deal +2m in incentives.

Prospective Rule-5 abductees or waiver claims

1. Alex Santos II, RHP.                                                                                                                                                                                              
2. Tony Rossi, RHP.                                                                                                                                                                                            
3. Lucas Wepf, RHP.                                               

Extensions

1. Logan Gilbert, RHP; 4 years, 90 million (15m in 2027).

Payroll 

Approximately 154m.

Assignments

HVH is now speaking directly to the Mariner front office:

1. All hitters will go to Driveline.

2. All hitters will work on baserunning with the new coach that will be hired.

3. All fielders will work on fielding with their respective coaches.

4. Kade Anderson shall be properly prepared for a major-league word load as shall Ryan Sloan.

And after you deliver the message, you will remember nothing. I now say...Obey.

Miscellaneous

1. Decline option on Robles.

2. Decline option on Miller if not traded; negotiate through arbitration if necessary.

3. Make the qualifying offer to Arozarena—twice.

4. Non-tender Luke Raley and Eduard Bazardo if trades aren't possible.

5. DFA Michael Rucker, Patrick Wisdom, Weston Wilson, and anyone else without options that won't address an immediate need.

6. Auction off the HR trident for charity.

7. Bring back the road grey uniforms; ditch the teal; use the Steelheads more often.

8. Secure permission to interview Brandon Hyde and hire him as manager—under trance if necessary.

9. Replace Mike Cameron's clubhouse sage with wolfbane.

Justin Hollander, lurking, and in admiration of the work at HVH Abbey.

Lineup

1. Josh Naylor, 1B L 

2. Randy Arozarena, LF/DH

3. Cal Raleigh, C S 

4. Julio Rodríguez, CF 

5. Cole Carrigg, SS S

6. Dominic Canzone, DH/RF L

7. Michael Conforto, RF L 

8. Kyle Karros, 3B

9. Cole Young, 2B L

Bench

Jhonny Pereda (C), Ryan Waldschmidt (OF), Mauricio Dubón (SS/2B), Alec Bohm (3B/1B).

Rotation

1. Logan Gilbert 

2. Bryan Woo 

3. Kade Anderson L 

4. Emerson Hancock

5. Gavin Stone 

Bullpen

1. Andrés Muñoz CL 

2. Brandyn Garcia L 

3. Seranthony Domínguez

4. Gabe Speier L 

5. Taylor Clarke 

6. Paul Sewald

7. Sandro Santana L

8. Jacob Kmatz

* Peter Fairbanks isn't expected to be ready before opening day.

***

We want you to believe...to believe in things that you cannot. Trades that strengthen the lifeline of the team, free agent signings that fill six-foot holes, a World Series title...things we desire that have evaded us for a lifetime. It is wonderful what tricks our dreams play us, and how conveniently we can imagine. We must realize what we imagine. 

The strength of the general manager is that people will not believe in him. While the blame for failure has been bestowed upon Jerry Dipoto and Dan Wilson, it is Justin Hollander who will do that which has already been done. It is believed that he shall do very little repairing. Beware. Trust only in HVH. 

The game continues for fans of the Mariners. Truly there is no such thing as finality.

Explanations for these ideas will commence tomorrow...evening.